


Forbidden Doors

by Saxon_Jesus



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Angst, M/M, Romance, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-08-10
Updated: 2009-08-10
Packaged: 2018-05-17 16:26:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5877661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saxon_Jesus/pseuds/Saxon_Jesus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lavi and Kanda get stuck out in the woods, alone, out in the middle of nowhere. With a bear. Drabble for Lavi's b-day. Slight violence, language, kissing... nothing too raunchy and as always, a little angst.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forbidden Doors

Forbidden Doors

As a Bookman, it was always important for Lavi to stay objective, to observe everything in sight and take it all in, remembering every minute detail, down to the little tiny millimeter-long bugs that were on the leaves of the ground that was speeding toward him. Of course, he wasn't supposed to be falling, but though he might have a perfect memory with better-than-perfect vision and hearing, he had absolutely no depth perception. Bookman or not, Lavi only had one eye, and Bookman or not, he couldn't help but misinterpret the distance between his foot and that stupid branch on which he had just tripped.

He hit the ground hard, a tiny _oof!_ emerging from his lips as the wind was driven from his chest. His eye teared up--the one under the eye patch was mutilated beyond recognition years ago and could therefore be of no use, even for crying--as he floundered for breath. It was annoying, he supposed dimly as his shallow gasps became steadily deeper, that he couldn't catch his fall on his hands for fear of hurting them and being unable to write and therefore perform his duties for weeks, maybe months.

Behind him, it seemed that Kanda had finally caught up. The snaps of the branches beneath the dark-haired man's tall leather boots and the tiny scoff of irritation at Lavi's pitiful state helped the apprentice Bookman to identify his companion.

"Get up, you're even more useless than normal," Kanda said harshly, kicking him with very little force in an attempt to get him to budge. Lavi would have felt hurt--and indeed the emotion showed plainly on his face--but then, he didn't really actually _feel_ anything. No, sir, not him. He was emotionless.

He really was.

Seriously.

He was definitely not staring at Kanda's ponytail, fixating on the details of the sun sparkling off it, making it look like a glistening flow of liquid onyx. He gaze was definitely not following that black trail down to that very sexy backside, barely given any form underneath all the heavy layers of leather.

Because emotions were fake, and if he ignored them enough, they'd go away. Life was better without them. But then, it wasn't anything more than physical attraction, and that was something Lavi could not help. It wasn't his fault his body seemed to be drawn to Kanda's gorgeous, shapely legs, which were currently covered with mud-spattered pants and a torn jacket that had seen better days. Lavi would rue the day that Kanda finally replaced it. In secret, anyway.

The subject of his very close attention turned when he realized Lavi was not following. His disapproving glare, along with an angry growl, showed the redhead that he'd better get his ass up.

"You idiot, get up!"

Lavi did as he was told, testing his ankle, which only smarted a little bit when he stepped on it. Deeming it walkable and an injury not worth his attention, Lavi hurried toward the dark-haired Exorcist before the man drew Mugen and actually went through with his threat to kill the redhead.

"Slowing me down," Kanda muttered heatedly, obviously talking to himself, as Lavi came up to his side. His ankle still hurt, but with each step, he hoped it would get better. "Should have just left you there to rot."

"That wounds me, Yuu-chan!" Lavi exclaimed, fixing a theatrical expression of despair and betrayal on his face. He even brought a hand to his forehead and stared up at the skies. A moment later, a hand was on his shoulder, Mugen at his throat.

"Do not," the Japanese man growled menacingly, and the redhead gulped, very nearly legitimately afraid (but not quite), "call me by my first name."

It wasn't in his persona's nature to back down, though in this situation, he figured it would be alright. He put a smile on his face, laughing nervously as a tiny bead of sweat ran down his temple (good timing, he thought, mentally patting himself on the back. All of this walking was making him quite sweaty). Putting his hands up in a gesture of surrender, he said, "Heh heh, sorry, won't do it again."

Kanda didn't look like he believed him.

Thankfully, the sword was removed, but the other man took that time to pull out his map of the forest.

"Oh, lemme do it! I'm an expert navigator!" The apprentice Bookman chirped, reaching over and snatching the map from Kanda, who scowled at him.

Nonplussed, Lavi pored over the map. What was the best way to annoy Kanda now? Well, he could act like an idiot; that always seemed to do it.

"Didn't you get us lost the last time we were on a mission together?" The Japanese man asked scathingly. The redhead shook his head and smiled earnestly over at the other man.

"Nope! Must be thinkin' of somethin' else, Yuu," he chirped. Kanda's eyebrows knit even further together, his mouth dropping deeper into a frown. Ah, this was too much fun. It never got old, not even after four years. "Anyway, we need to go this direction." He pointed north.

Lavi didn't think it was possible, but Kanda's expression plummeted further. "South is that way, _baka_ ," the man said testily. It was all the redhead could do to conceal his amused grin. Kanda was just so much fun when his feathers were all ruffled.

"No, I'm pretty sure you're wrong. C'mon, don't get lost, Yuu-chan! We're goin' this way!" Lavi hopped off to the north, and a moment later, he heard Kanda's heavy footfalls behind him. Unbeknownst to the other, Lavi was smirking in a way that would make Kanda turn green with envy.

The best part was that they walked in that direction until nearly nightfall before Kanda took up the issue with him again.

\---

"What do you mean, 'we're lost?'" Kanda's outraged voice sounded in the middle of the forest.

"I mean... I had the map oriented wrong, we've been going north. Heh, heh, I mean anyone could have made that mistake!" Lavi was feeling pretty proud of himself, Kanda looked annoyed to a degree far higher than he'd ever managed before. Although he really hadn't wanted to do it, he hated the woods, there were bears. Not that he was afraid of bears or anything. All they were were big, scary, hairy, man... eating... creatures. Not that he was afirad.

" _Che_. I'm making camp, go get firewood. And don't get lost this time, I won't go to find you."

Without waiting for confirmation, the Japanese Exorcist set about propping up the tent. When Lavi returned a good ten minutes later, the small spot next to a tall oak tree looked like a legitimate camp site. Kanda was sitting with his back propped up against the tree, looking at him expectantly. Next to him were two dead and mangled rabbits.

"Hey, Yuu-chan, is that some sort of subliminal, 'if I could, I would do this to you' sorta thing?" Lavi asked, not completely sure whether to be frightened or to laugh.

When all he received was another harsh glare, he decided to forgo conversation in favor of making a fire, seeing as he was hungry and could not very well run for his life on an empty stomach. He figured that he could let a little bit of his expertise show and had the kindling up in tiny flames within minutes. Sitting back and letting the tiny twigs work their magic on the larger sticks (and eventually logs), Lavi decided he had done enough work and could now take his time staring at Kanda. It was quite obvious the man had absolutely no true wilderness survival skills. He was using Mugen to crudely skin the rabbits, letting far too much good meat go to waste. Lavi thought back to the set of hunting knives in his pack longingly. The worst part of being a Bookman was that he could use only a few of his skills with each persona. Being a master hunter was not something 'Lavi' could be.

Even though he desperately wanted to tell Kanda he was doing it all wrong and was making a fool of himself.

"If you don't like the way I'm doing this, you can do it yourself," Kanda growled, looking up from the carcasses.

Taking Mugen from Kanda--who glared at him but relinquished his unactivated Innocence--Lavi made purposefully clumsy cuts through the rabbits. When he finished skinning and gutting the creatures, he'd wasted considerably less meat than the Japanese Exorcist would have. His efforts were not commended at all, except to have the two dead animals ripped from his grasp and impaled upon two stakes and set over the fire to cook.

They sat quietly for a few minutes. The awkward silences that came with being on a mission with Kanda were something Lavi was skillful at avoiding; he normally just chattered away on random pointless topics, but tonight, for some reason, his paranoia was acting up. Every time a branch cracked in the distance, he'd jump, and that mindset was not conducive to chatter.

When the rabbits had sufficiently cooked, they both dug in. The food wasn't the worst thing he'd had, and he supposed it was the best they could do seeing as they had no seasonings or other food. The Finder that had come with them had been the one carrying their food. He had not seen the giant hole in the ground and had fallen in. And died. And it had been Lavi's fault. Indirectly.

He felt like he needed to say something to break the silence.

"Yuu-chan, you suck at cooking," he said offhandedly.

In the back of his mind, he wondered if he was laying it on a bit thick this mission, but then he dismissed those thoughts for ones of saving his life as he was once again confronted with Mugen's blade.

"Shut the fuck up. You don't like it, don't eat it. Its your own goddamn fault anyway."

"Yuu-chan's sooo mean to meee," he cried, fake tears coming to the corner of his eye.

Kanda scoffed but did not back off. He looked even more angry now.

"Stop being such a fake. Its annoying. I should just kill you and blame a bear."

"That hurts me soul-deep," Lavi replied, pulling his face into another dramatic expression and thumping his chest in emphasis. "Yuu-chan, you are the world's meanest monster."

"And you're the world's most obvious actor," the Japanese man replied.

"I wouldn't say that 'round Bookman," Lavi muttered to himself. Pasting another too-wide smile on his lips, he added more loudly, "Not actin'!"

" _Che._ Whatever." Kanda's tone implied that he knew that the redhead was lying.

"Yeah, well, what else am I supposed to say? Especially because we're being followed by the Finder Bookman always sends to listen in on my conversations."

Kanda looked stunned. "We're being followed?" Actually, now that Lavi looked closer, he seemed angry, not that that was unusual.

"Yeah, you didn't expect him to let me out of his sight, did you? Especially since I'm with a--" He cut himself off; that was _not_ something that needed to be said out loud...

"With a what?" Kanda growled.

"A crazy swordsman, that's what," Lavi replied smoothly, glad that he was able to cover his slip. He'd almost said _a male Exorcist_. And he was pretty sure Kanda would not enjoy such a revelation.

" _Che._ Fine, don't tell me the truth. I don't give a fuck. He'll probably get eaten by a bear before morning anyway." The Japanese Exorcist shrugged off his lie, but his dismissal left him quaking in his boots (only not really because Lavi was not afraid of bears).

"Wait, there are actually bears out here?" Lavi asked hurriedly. His voice caught in a telltale way, but of course, that was rubbish, because he was not. Afraid. Of bears.

At all.

"What, you aren't afraid, are you? Don't worry, your annoying voice will keep them away." Kanda sounded smug.

"No, I'm not afraid of some stupid animal. If anything, you should be thanking me for my loud voice, because after all, it's the thing keeping the bears away," Lavi replied just as smugly. But the smugness was soon replaced by horror as the sound of screaming echoed throughout the forest. Lurching forward without a thought, the redhead found his hands digging into the heavy fabric at Kanda's chest. He was positive there was a look of complete terror on his face. Schooling his expression immediately, he launched himself backwards and stumbled as he tripped over a rock.

A snort of disdain and a bruised butt were all Lavi got for his accidental antics. He stood up, rubbing his backside absently, and shot a betrayed look at his companion.

"You bastard," Lavi tried to hiss, but the menacing quality he had been aiming for was extinguished somewhat by the slight quaver in his words. Kanda simply snorted again and then stuffed the last of his roast rabbit into his mouth, apparently not caring for manners like he usually did.

"Go to sleep, coward, I'll take first watch." Kanda chuckled darkly.

"I am not a coward! I'll take first watch so the princess can get his beauty sleep. God knows you're cranky enough as is," Lavi bit back, regretting his words immediately. He knew Kanda let him get away with a lot, but he may have just overstepped that tiny tolerance.

The Japanese man was staring at him incredulously. It was kind of unnerving. Was the man actually going to kill him this time?

"I'll take first watch."

Where was the anger? The 'holy fuck rabbit, I'm going to fucking murder you' look? The calm reply he received went against everything he knew about his companion.

"I'm not tired. I'll stay up too." He was not taking any chances in being murdered in his sleep, especially since Kanda was acting so weird and would probably enact his revenge sometime during the night--when Lavi least expected it.

" _Che._ Whatever." That at least was a normal response, but he still wasn't going to relax.

Sitting down next to Kanda at the base of the large oak tree, Lavi made himself comfortable. With his companion acting strange and with all the fucking bears about, he knew he wouldn't sleep a wink, even if he tried. For a while, silence reigned, which Lavi actually found calming. It wasn't that strange, awkward silence, nor was it that horrible, oppressing, expecting silence that normally sat between him and Bookman. It was different, and if Lavi wanted to classify it, he'd say it was companionable. Of course, he could never have such a quality to his silences, as he wasn't supposed to be attached enough to make it possible.

"Yuu," Lavi said suddenly, interrupting the soft crackling of the fire, "why do you hate me so much?"

He didn't ask it in a teasing or whining tone, and Kanda got the point that it was a legitimate question. The Japanese Exorcist scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Because you're not real and you don't deserve my respect."

Lavi was quite possibly stymied. "Wait. No. I asked why you don't like _me._ Respect has nothing to do with it," he tried to clarify.

"Because you're annoying." The answer was prompt. Lavi supposed it would have hurt him, had he actually had a heart.

"Well, that's not me--I mean, it is me, but it's not me at the same time and you probably don't get what I'm sayin' 'cause it's me but it's not, but you actually know since you _know._ "

"Stupid rabbit makes no sense," Kanda muttered under his breath. Lavi puffed his chest up, feeling true annoyance for the first time in his life.

"I make plenty of sense; you're just not privy to most of it, since revealing it would break character."

Kanda snorted again. "Really?" He asked, obviously doubting Lavi's statement.

"Yes. Would you like to hear me make sense?" Lavi retorted. Kanda looked expectant. "Black bears are good tree climbers as well as swimmers; they can run up to thirty-five miles per hour and are normally considered highly intelligent, curious, and adaptable,* so it is most like that this bear, local to this particular region, will find us, kill us, and eat us in our sleep." He tried to make his always-present smile ever wider. It hurt his cheeks.

"And how does that make sense? If you're not afraid of bears, I mean."

Was Kanda... making fun of him? Had the world come to an end without anyone telling him? Had his companion been replaced by an Akuma? Both seemed like likely options. Well, two could play the out-of-character game.

"I'll get more firewood," he said, standing up and walking into the darkened wood. He needed to be alone to do this. It had been a long time since he'd taken off his persona, so he was a little rusty. Leaning against a tree he let his mind unfocus, his gaze fixing on a far-off point in the distance. Placing mental fingernails at the very edge of his persona, he began to pull until it began to tear away. It felt like he was physically _peeling_ the persona off him, only completely in his mind. Which didn't really make sense, but then, Kanda had told him he was nonsensical, so it was okay. He folded his persona up for later use, placing it on a large shelf at the back of his mind. Finally, with absolutely no emotions of which to speak, he began to pick up the nearest sticks he could find until his arms were completely full. Ambling back in a gait completely unlike Number Forty-nine's, he deftly arranged the wood so that the fire would burn longer and harder.

When he looked back at the other Exorcist, he was quite pleased, in a sense, to see that Kanda was sitting there as if rooted to the spot with the tree, absolutely stunned. And if Lavi looked a bit closer, he could see the slight upturn of the man's mouth, indicating that Kanda was satisfied. It appeared that he had walked into a trap somehow. Perhaps he had given Kanda what he had wanted for so long? Well, Forty-nine was still within reach, and light joking was always fun.

"Like what you see, Kanda?" He asked wryly, smirking. It was vaguely amusing--in that faraway sense that meant he had processed and stored the emotion too quickly for his body to really feel it--to see Kanda's minuscule smile drop at once to be replaced by the familiar scowl that Forty-nine liked to see.

" _Che._ Should have known you'd always be a cocky son-of-a-bitch." But Kanda was looking away, and even in the firelight, Lavi could see the blush beginning to form. Whether from embarrassment or actual physical attraction, Lavi didn't know (even if he secretly hoped for the latter, even though he didn't), but it wasn't in his nature to pursue such a topic, so he tried a different approach.

"This is what you wanted, isn't it? I'm only providing what you've wanted to know for a while now. You know Lavi is fake. Well, here I am, bared down stark naked--except for the clothes. It's nothing like you expected, is it? What, did you think I was interesting or something? Because you see, Kanda, without a persona, I am nothing." Okay, so perhaps that was a bit melodramatic, but he'd been with Forty-nine too long, and the influences of a persona took time to completely eliminate.

"Well, at least you're not annoying," Kanda said gruffly. Lavi raised an eyebrow. All the man's reactions seemed to point toward the conclusion that this _was_ , in fact, what he had been expecting. Immediately, Lavi revised his opinion of the dark-haired man. Perhaps he wasn't as stupid as Lavi had thought. After all, street smarts--observational skills, judgment, fighting--could sometimes trump a good education.

"I'm not much of anything, really," Lavi replied with a shrug. There was an awkward silence as they both stared into the fire. Occasionally, Lavi poked at it with a large, thick stick he'd found in the woods. It was almost a relief to be able to show his skill for once. It made him feel like he wasn't useless, which Kanda often insisted he was.

Finally, it seemed the Japanese man couldn't stay silent, which was strange, as he wasn't usually the talkative type.

"Is today your real birthday? Or is that just made up too?"

Lavi chuckled a little, surprised at the genuine bitterness that came with it. "I don't know when I was born. I normally count my age through the New Years. I think all Bookmen do. When you give up your identity, you can't very well keep your birthday."

Kanda looked intrigued but didn't comment. Once again, they lapsed into silence, the crackling of the fire and the rustling of the wildlife the only sounds.

"Well, I got you something. I figured that you probably have never had anyone ever give _you_ something. Even if it isn't your birthday." 

The dark-haired man pulled a long, thin box from his jacket pocket and stretched out his arm in the normal gesture of giving.

"You know I'll just have to throw it away once Bookman decides its time to leave, right?" He asked, trying to sound sad, and was surprised that in the pit of his stomach, a tiny trickle of the emotion settled.

Kanda smirked. "That's why I tried to get you something you wouldn't need to throw away."

Sighing, Lavi took the small parcel. He was almost overwhelmingly curious as to what Kanda got him. He wondered why the man was being so civil. It was still unnerving, but extremely... enjoyable, he supposed was the right word, but that was impossible because he wasn't supposed to enjoy anything. He tore open the light blue paper and gaped. They were the finest fountain pens he'd ever seen, obviously of high quality, as could be seen by the well-shaped metal nibs and ornately carved barrels. They were better than the shoddy dip pens he normally received from Bookman. There were also three small vials of ink in green, black, and blue. All in all, it was the best gift he'd ever gotten.

It was a night of firsts apparently, because he was, for the very first time in his life, struck speechless. He tried to articulate his satisfaction with his gift, but all that seemed to come out of his mouth were strange choking noises. Gazing self-consciously up at his companion, he saw Kanda was eyeing him with amusement.

"I--I--wow, Yuu, this is... just wow. Thank you," he finally managed to stammer. He saw the slight narrowing of Kanda's eyes, but he was too distracted by a weird bubbly feeling in his chest, like he was boiling, only at room temperature. "I don't have to get rid of it when I leave." For some reason, there was moisture building up in his good eye. He blinked it back, surprised that he was feeling anything at all. The emotion felt dusty, underused.

"When will you leave?" Kanda asked, his tone sounding as if it was being forced into neutrality. Lavi purposely didn't look up; it would be too painful. He didn't know how he knew that, but there was a squelching feeling in his chest, replacing the strange bubbling, and it constricted everything until it was becoming very hard to breathe. Maybe there was a possibility he didn't want to leave? He quickly dismissed that thought, but a remnant of it stayed behind, nagging at his subconscious mind.

"Well, Bookman's worried I'll become like Lenalee, and if I do, we'll have to go. I can't be that close to anything." Lavi paused for a moment. "I don't _want_ to be that close to anything." Something about that didn't sit well, and its tiny voice joined the other nagging thoughts where they could be easily ignored.

For a third time, silence fell around them. Kanda grabbed the stick Lavi had been using and began poking the fire further into life. He scowled down at it and muttered something about needing more wood. Before Lavi could fully comprehend, the Japanese Exorcist stood up and walked stiffly away.

He didn't understand why he was feeling things. He shouldn't be; he was trained not to feel, but here he was, feeling gratitude for a gift that he never should have received. He was confused about that, too. Why was Kanda being so... weird, acting like he knew exactly how Lavi was going to react, knew how he himself was expected to react and did the exact opposite just to throw the redhead off? Why had he been so happy? Was this still a remnant of Lavi? Something that had stuck like some horrible emotional residue after the persona had been discarded? It just plain didn't make sense. It was driving him crazy just trying to sort through all the strange feelings. Was this why Bookmen never removed a persona completely until after they were fully trained? Was he feeling nervous that he may have screwed something up with his training by doing this? His stomach was clenching in an annoying way that suggested so.

Kanda had been gone a long time. Was it that hard to find wood in a forest? His stomach clenched again with that strange feeling. He hoped that his companion hadn't run into a bear. And there he was again, feeling things he shouldn't. What did he care what happened to Kanda? He was just ink on paper, right? Right?

Why didn't his chest seem to agree with him, or the tiny little voices he'd been ignoring up 'til now?

The sound of a twig snapping brought him back to the present. He couldn't believe he had been too lost in thought to pay attention. What if a bear had tried to sneak up on him and maul him? Thankfully, there was no bear, only Kanda returning with a large stack of sticks.

The firelight suited his companion well. The way the orange light cast a mysterious shadow on the man's features and how it made his dark locks seem like liquid onyx against the night sky, the contrast between the two so minute that even Lavi's Bookman-trained eye could barely see it made his heart do a weird twitchy thing. Mouth falling open in surprise, Lavi leaned down to grab the fire-poking stick. As Kanda added more wood--including some larger logs that probably accounted for his lengthy disappearance--the redhead stoked the fire, sending sparks and smoke high into the air. He knew he was probably drawing attention to them, but at this moment, he was rather cold, so he would have to accept the circumstances and get over it.

Retaking his seat next to Lavi, Kanda let out a small breath not unlike the satisfied sigh of a job well done. The apprentice Bookman doubted anyone but him could have heard it, which for some reason brought back the boiling in his chest. Once again, he noted how the flames seemed to dance their light over Kanda's features. His heart seemed to be very inefficient at the moment.

"Thanks," he finally muttered, since he hadn't said anything and it felt like he should say something. Kanda nodded, and once again the conversation was given to the crickets.

"You're acting odd today, Kanda. Why did you go to the trouble of getting me a birthday present? Don't you hate Lavi?"

Finally, _finally_ , he'd been able to broach the topic that had been on his mind all night. Maybe he would be able to get some answers.

_Crap, he's smirking again. He probably expected me to ask that._

" _Che._ What makes you think I hate him?" Kanda mumbled.

Wait... what? "What do you mean? He's fucking annoying; I try 'n' make him as annoying as possible! You threaten him all the time--how can you _not_ hate him?" Lavi exclaimed, feeling genuine surprise probably for the first time in his life.

Kanda scoffed again, his eyebrows tugging downward into a hybrid expression of disbelief and exasperation. "You think you're that annoying? I lived with Daisya for years."

The redhead nodded pensively. That was true; Daisya had been possibly the most annoying Exorcist ever to enter the Order.

"So if he doesn't annoy you, then why do you always threaten m--him with Mugen?"

"Because he calls me by my first name."

"You really hate it that much?"

"Yes."

"Then I'll never do it again, Yuu-chan." That got him a glare, but Mugen remained at the Japanese man's hip. Which confused him even more.

"See, you're doing it again! You aren't giving me normal responses. You should have stood up and waved your sword around and threatened to chop my head off for that! But no, you keep doing the opposite of what I expect, and I never know what you're going to do ne--!" He was abruptly cut off by Kanda leaning forward and kissing him. He gasped loudly, the sound echoing strangely through the tiny clearing they were in.

When Kanda leaned back, his face suspiciously red even in the firelight, Lavi's heart was beating as rapidly as a rabbit's. His whole face seemed hot, and his lips were tingling. He couldn't even seem to move, like he was stuck there, a stone monument to the idiot that was Lavi, for eternity. All he could do was breathe heavily and stare dumbfoundedly at Kanda, who was conveniently looking away.

The Japanese Exorcist edged backward a little, as if trying to put some space in between them without Lavi noticing. That was stupid, though, because the apprentice Bookman noticed everything. Unfortunately, that meant he noticed things about himself, too, like how there was this stretching ache forming in his chest as he watched Kanda move away. His arm unfroze and shot out without direction, missing Kanda by inches. It got the dark-haired man's attention, though. He looked back, his eyes locking almost defiantly with Lavi's own. It was as if Kanda was testing him, pushing him to comment on his strange actions, on the present, on the first kiss Lavi had ever had.

The deep charcoal color, accentuated by the light of the dancing flames, made his heart start that annoying, inefficient beating pattern again, made his whole body tingle, made his face grow hotter than ever. Vaguely, Lavi realized his face must have been somewhere on the scale between ridiculous and outright stupid.

If Lavi had thought the other silences had been awkward, it was nothing compared to this. It was an oppressive aura, so thick he doubted even Mugen could cut through it. They just sat there and stared at each other, Lavi blushing, Kanda stoic. Even the bugs seemed to stop chirping, as if they'd sensed how inappropriate sound would be at the moment.

And then Kanda bit back a laugh, his shoulders shaking in silent mirth. He did not smile, but his amusement showed through his dark eyes. "I knew you would make that idiotic face."

He stared at the dark-haired man in disbelief. Had he really done that just to see Lavi's reaction? That thought hurt more than anything. Even the thought of Kanda making fun of him. But why did the the idea of that kiss being fake hurt? It shouldn't, he should just be able to laugh it off, pretend it never happened. Why was that not happening? Why did his chest hurt, goddammit?!

"W-why did you...?"

Kanda simply shrugged and looked at the fire.

Not knowing how else to respond, Lavi decided to play it off as a joke. "Haha, that was a good one, Kanda, you really had me going there for a second." His laughter came out a bit flat, but he hoped his tone was high enough to pull it off.

"I don't joke." Kanda's voice was firm, leaving no doubt that he was serious.

Lavi's heart did that odd twitchy thing again, this time hard enough that he felt a little breathless. What does one say after something like that? He knew what he wanted to say, but he wasn't sure if he should. He wasn't Lavi, he wasn't impulsive. It was foolish and made him sound as if he wasn't objective. But that didn't dismiss the fact that he _wanted_ to say it, and he found his lips forming the words without his permission.

"Th-that was the first time I've ever kissed someone." Well, Kanda had kissed him, but in principle, it was the same thing.

" _Che_. I've seen you kiss girls before," Kanda disagreed. He had a point, but that wasn't quite what the redhead had meant.

"No, that was _Lavi_ , not me. This is the first time anyone's actually kissed the real me." _And it's the first time I've ever felt something_ , Lavi wanted to add. But he couldn't.

There was a strange glint in Kanda's eyes that had nothing to do with the fire, and he scooted closer so that he could lean in again. Lavi was once again rooted to the spot, feeling a blush on his face as Kanda moved closer and closer... until Lavi could see the pinprick-sized fire reflected on the other man's corneas, each individual hair that obscured the Japanese man's forehead... until their lips were touching once more.

This one lasted longer, gave the redhead more time to experience the sensation. It was soft and warm, and _enjoyable_. He found himself not wanting the tingle in his lips to leave.

When the dark-haired man began to pull back, their lips separating, Lavi did the first impulsive thing he'd ever done outside of his persona. He reached out and pulled the Japanese man back, locking their lips together again. Surprisingly, Kanda didn't seem to want to fight the embrace and pulled them closer still. Their legs were pressed firmly together as Kanda's arms wound around Lavi's head, slipping into his hair. Never before had the redhead experienced something like this. Kanda opened his mouth, and Lavi found himself reciprocating.

The entire feeling was foreign, as if someone had set something very warm inside his chest. His heart beat far too quickly, his whole body tingled where it was touching Kanda, and rational thought was the last thing on his mind. For the first time in Lavi's life, he wasn't thinking, only feeling and touching and _kissing_. Something warm and wet ran across his bottom lip, and he realized it was the Japanese man's tongue. It mildly surprised him that Kanda would ask for permission, and at the moment, Lavi couldn't think of any reason to deny him, so he allowed the kiss to deepen.

The hands in his hair trailed down to his face and ears. As Lavi pulled away a little in order to take a much needed breath, Kanda's lips moved to his neck. The redhead couldn't help but shiver at the change in sensation. It was different, something he'd never experienced before, even in one of his personas, but the kisses were softer, implying some kind of emotion Lavi couldn't quite identify. Caring? No, that was something Kanda didn't do. But it wasn't lust--it was anything but. He was so lost in thought trying to classify the emotion that he barely noticed when the hands moved to his chest and pushed him back into the tree.

Their mouths met again and Lavi shut his eye, letting the sensations roll over him. The hands that were on his chest trailed upward and cupped his face, pulling him closer to the Japanese man. He felt his eye patch buckle under the dark-haired man's fingers, and a light breeze washed over his covered eye as the fabric was pulled away. His left eye snapped open as he awkwardly tried to re-cover his destroyed eye. He was feeling uncomfortable, he didn't want anyone to see the wreckage left behind. He didn't want _Kanda_ to see. Before he could process that strange thought, Kanda pulled back again. He had a curious expression on his face, one that Lavi could not identify. It was somewhere between an angry scowl and a confused gaze.

Tension swirled between them like a palpable aura as the Japanese man's hand slowly moved back to Lavi's face, gentle fingers removing the eye patch with something akin to care. He placed the black object on the root next to them and then silently moved back to touch the mangled, ruined skin of his eyelid. The touch was soft, no more than the barest brush of finger pads against scarred flesh, but it said something about Kanda's character. Kanda was rough and mean at best, but there were times when he showed tenderness toward the people he usually insisted he didn't care about. It seemed that this was one of those times. Lavi was shocked that he was counted as someone the Japanese man cared for, but he also had a sneaking suspicion that it wasn't really him, but Forty-nine.

After all, the gift hadn't originally been for him, had it? He wanted to ask, but he was suddenly preoccupied again. He let his eye close once more. Kanda's hands drifted to his jacket buttons, and he felt them come undone. There was a strange growling noise. Wondering if it was the dark-haired man, he opened his eye.

"Are you growling?" He asked unbelievingly.

Kanda pulled back and stared at him. The growling continued. Looking past Kanda's shoulder, Lavi froze.

"Bear," he said faintly, fear showing through the slight quaver in his voice.

The Japanese man stilled and then turned very, very slowly.

"Bear," Lavi breathed. Every instinct was telling him to get up and run, to delve so far into the trees that not even this enemy could follow.

The bear stood just inside the little clearing that was their camp. It didn't move, they didn't move; they stared at it, and it stared at them. Lavi felt the tension growing and wondered what they should do, because his mind was frozen in place. It was very quiet, like the insects around them felt the danger as well.

"Get up slowly," Kanda whispered quickly and quietly.

Lavi, who had almost completely forgotten the other man's presence, jumped up in fear, squawking in a very undignified way. Which had the wonderful consequence of getting the bear's attention. The great, hulking black creature began to advance toward them, picking up speed with each step. In the back of his mind he knew he should pull Tettsui, but that thought was quickly lost, replaced with the repeated mantra of _oh shit, oh shit, I'm going to die. Look at those teeth_ , _I smell Finder on its breath._

Kanda seemed to realize that the redehad was useless at that moment and was in front of the bear in a second, Exorcist jacket billowing behind him in the sudden movement. Mugen was out, glinting in the firelight as Kanda lashed out at the bear, who retaliated by swiping a paw at the Japanese man's face. He hissed in pain as the bear's claws missed and slashed through the fabric of his jacket arm. Then in one swift motion, the bear was down, its head rolling over the forest floor. A bit of blood landed on Lavi's face.

The redhead collapsed against the tree trunk behind him, trying to calm his adrenaline-induced panic. Kanda sheathed Mugen and sat down next to the quivering apprentice, favoring his left arm slightly.

"So you actually _are_ afraid of bears," Kanda noted dryly as he peeled back his sleeve to check on the wound. He frowned slightly and then shrugged. Lavi shivered. He could see bone.

"Y-Yuu-chan, that's... really deep. Hold on a sec..." Scampering up, Lavi ran over to the tent and retrieved his pack, returning a moment later to Kanda's side. He rummaged through it as the Japanese man put pressure on his right arm, wincing only slightly at what must have been agonizing pain.

Finding what he was searching for, Lavi let a satisfied expression--probably the first genuine expression he'd made all night--sit on his face as he pulled it out. Kanda stared at him like he was an idiot, which Lavi was pretty sure he was at the moment. Frozen at the sight of a fucking bear...

"It'll heal in a moment, I don't need--"

"You're losing a lot of blood, so don't give me that. Even you can't heal that fast," Lavi countered. Quickly, he doused the needle and thread in alcohol before doing the same to Kanda's arm. As Forty-nine, he would not be able to show such a skill, but as himself, it was perfectly acceptable if he just stitched his companion up. "You may want to bite down on something--this'll hurt." And then he poked the needle into Kanda's skin.

He had to give the dark-haired man credit. He stayed quiet with only a hint of a grimace on his face as Lavi did his work. Even in the dim light, Lavi worked fast and accurately, finishing in just a few minutes. Tying off the end of the thread and pouring more alcohol over the wound, Lavi turned to the dead bear. He was still hungry; the rabbits from earlier hadn't been a lot of meat, and there had been so much fat that they'd been almost inedible. Well, he'd already shown his first-aid finesse, he might as well be useful for once.

It took nearly an hour to skin the bear and cook its meat, during which time Kanda had gone off to get more wood, but it was definitely worth it. They ate in silence again, which was fine with Lavi, because he wasn't sure he knew what to say after everything that had happened. Bear incident aside, there were still the lingering thoughts about what had happened before. It had been the first kiss Lavi or any of his aliases had enjoyed. It was also the first kiss that he couldn't stop obsessing over in his mind. The entire time he ate, the scene played out again and again in his mind, making his head spin. He was thankful for the darkness because he was pretty sure he was blushing heavily.

He didn't even realize he was staring at Kanda until the man growled and asked harshly, "will you stop looking at me and tell me what you want?"

"Why did you go to all the trouble to get me to talk to you?"

To his surprise, Kanda looked away, an all too uncharacteristic blush on his cheeks. Now Lavi was intrigued.

"Remember that mission we went on in Russia seven months ago?" The dark-haired man asked gruffly.

Thinking back, Lavi did, but he had no idea how that horrible mission had anything to do with this. They had gotten lost in a snowstorm and had had to find shelter. He had gotten hypothermia. He nodded to indicate to the man that he remembered.

"When we had finally found a place to camp, you fell asleep, and fell over on me."

"I had hypothermia. I was clinging to keep warm, it's a natural defense mechanism!" Lavi exclaimed defensively. He recalled the awkward moments after he woke up to find himself wrapped around a very angry, very tired Kanda.

"Well, you didn't let go... for hours. You started mumbling in your sleep."

"I did what?" He asked, worried about what exactly he had let slip when his mind was unguarded. He didn't talk in his sleep, Bookman would have trained that potentially disastrous habit out of him.

"You were mumbling... my name."

He felt the blood rush to his cheeks again; he had just remembered what he had dreamed about. That was one conversation he did not want to have, let alone have to admit that he may--even though it was against every rule, every social norm, every logical sense in his body--have formed some sort of attachment to the Japanese man. He had to think of a way to get out of this conversation.

"I was delirious! Even Bookmen can't control their dreams, especially under those circumstances! I guess you won't believe me if I say it was about monkeys, will you?"

"No, and monkeys?"

Kanda was looking at him strangely again.

"Well, I went on a mission with Lenalee once and, well, I had an... embarrassing dream, so I told her it was about monkeys and she believed me."

" _Che._ Well, it was Lenalee; she'd believe anything you told her."

There was another awkward silence between them until Kanda finally spoke again.

"You told me you loved me..."

"Wha... I said what?"

"You said, 'I love you, Yuu,'" Kanda said, scowling as he did a perfect impression of Lavi's voice, complete with the delirium that must have been in it at the time. The redhead was vaguely impressed.

"But I don't," Lavi said at once. He wasn't allowed to care, even if that weird squeezing feeling was back in his chest, making it very hard to breathe. Kanda was just ink on paper, just a way for Forty-nine to amuse himself between missions. Kanda was absolutely nothing, even if kissing him felt amazing. No, Kanda was just another piece of history.

They lapsed into that horrible silence again. This time Lavi was the one looking away.

"After that, I started to wonder if there was a real person under that mask you wear. I decided to see if I could get you to come out. I mean, after the Ark, from what Lenalee and _Moyashi_ said, there seemed to be someone there."

"Well, there is, and now I won't be able to put Forty-nine back on, and Bookman will get angry, and we'll leave," Lavi snapped angrily, even though he wasn't angry. Really, he wasn't. It was an emotion, and _goddammit, he didn't feel!_

For the briefest of moments, Kanda looked stricken, but then he composed himself.

"So you're saying you didn't feel anything at all." For some reason, Kanda sounded... disappointed?

"No, of course not!" Lavi exclaimed, cursing his blush for giving away his lie.

" _Che_ , so what I felt against my back that night wasn't real, huh?"

Lavi's face felt hotter than the fire. Not only was this a conversation he didn't want to have, but if he said it was real--thus not lying for the first time in his life--Bookman would kill him. Instead, he let another awkward silence envelop them, with Kanda sitting next to him, staring him down with his arms crossed in front of his chest.

"I'm a man, okay? We all have them!" Lavi blurted after a few minutes, wanting Kanda's gaze off of him. It was disconcerting and it was starting to make him feel all funny and hot. The tingling feeling was back.

"About other men?" Kanda asked pointedly, his charcoal eyes boring into the redhead's.

Lavi looked away. He was positive his face was a deep scarlet. "That's neither here nor there."

"I think it is," the other Exorcist insisted.

"I like guys, okay? Why else do you think I'd have Forty-nine be such a skirt chaser?" Lavi admitted, suddenly very interested in the dancing movements of the flames. Being homosexual was not something he thought about that often, nor was it something he wanted to advertise. It was simply how he was, and not even the Church with its preachings or Society with its rules could stop what his body felt. Yes, he'd thought of men when his teenage hormones could no longer be ignored. Yes, he'd thought of Kanda in particular, seeing Allen as more of a little brother and the others as companions not worth his attention. But that didn't mean he _loved_ the man, regardless of what he'd said when he'd been completely deranged by hypothermia. Kanda, like everyone else, was nothing more than the stroke of a pen, no more than a trail of ink that could easily be erased by fire.

Because if he admitted that he had become attached to Kanda Yuu, he would have to leave, and that would be infinitely more painful than pretending he didn't care at all. But his logic-filled mind always seemed to break through his wall of denial, telling him that if he didn't feel anything for the dark-haired man, why was he still thinking about it? Why was he still wishing Kanda would let his persona braid his hair, just so that he could feel it? Why did he still want to close the gap between them?

"Because Lavi is an annoying idiot," Kanda replied. The redhead looked back at his companion. He'd forgotten that he'd asked that question, even if it was supposed to be rhetorical.

"Forty-nine is easy. Being useless and annoying--it's easy for people to like that, and it's even easier to pretend to be," he said with a shrug.

"Well, I don't like him."

For some reason, that made Lavi feel sad, like there was a part of him that Kanda couldn't accept.

"You probably would have liked Deak better. He was sensible and absentminded. He was quiet, a lot closer to my true self, I guess, though I'm more calculating." He wasn't supposed to be talking about this, but something in his mind just wouldn't let him shut up. Maybe it was Forty-nine, maybe it was his real self, but all he could think was that he really, really just wanted someone else to know all this. He really wanted Kanda to accept him and maybe admit that Lavi wasn't that annoying.

"I don't hate Lavi because he's annoying, I hate him because he's _fake_."

The apprentice Bookman raised an eyebrow. That was news to him. Kanda usually hated annoying people--or at least pretended to. Daisya and Tiedoll were both testament to that fact.

"Then you must really hate me, huh?" Because he was probably the most fake person in the Order, next to Allen, of course. Even Bookman had a set personality.

"No." The point-blank response threw him, and the inflection inferred that that had been an obvious answer.

"What?" It was the only articulate response he was able to make.

"Do you think I would have kissed you if I didn't like you?" Kanda growled exasperatedly.

"I-I don't know, you're acting all weird tonight, so I don't know."

"Could it be that I'm acting weird because I like you?"

It all seemed pretty obvious now that it had been pointed out. But it didn't make sense, how could Kanda like him? How could it be that the secret he had been harboring for so long actually have an outlet? But it was wrong, dammit, he wasn't supposed to feel things like this, he was supposed to be cold and objective and alone for the rest of his life. He wasn't supposed to be regretting his decision. He didn't want to be alone. The little voices he had pushed away all night were back, only this time they were about a million times louder than before.

_It's okay, no one's gonna know--_

_You can keep it a secret from Bookman--_

_Do you really want to give up this opportunity?_

_You know you like Kanda, even if you can't admit--_

_Kiss him, goddammit,_ kiss him!

_Bookman would be so disappointed--_

_What the old man doesn't know won't hurt him--_

_You_ love _him, and you have for a while--_

_Just do it!_

He noticed how Kanda was shifting uncomfortably. Could it be that he had not been expecting to tell Lavi what he felt? How long had the apprentice Bookman been quiet? It couldn't have been more than a few minutes.

"I shouldn't... have told you. Just forget I said anything," the dark-haired man said gruffly, moving slowly away and making to stand.

The voices were shouting at him to stop the man's retreat, so he did the only thing he could think of. He reached out and grabbed Kanda's hand, pulling him roughly back down onto the hard ground.

"No, I... I like you... too," he whispered, looking down at the grass.

The first thing he felt was relief, relief for finally being able to admit just what he had been feeling, relief for knowing that those foreign feelings would be accepted. The second thing he felt was wind as he was roughly pulled forward into a tight embrace, his lips meeting Yuu's without another moment's hesitation.

The kiss was brief but charged with a nagging feeling Lavi had never experienced before. It was warm and filled him with some kind of weird notion of comfort. Maybe it was hope? He'd heard of that emotion, but he'd never known how good it would feel. It made his chest swoop and soar, like maybe he was allowed to be close to someone.

For the first time in his life, he realized he was lonely. He'd had friends, but they'd never really been friends. He'd had Bookman, but that was no real company. And for the first time, he realized he _hated_ being lonely and perhaps _wanted_ someone else to hold him, to know everything about him, to cherish him. It went against everything it meant to be a Bookman. And Lavi had never wanted it more.

Kanda pulled back, but Lavi held on, needing the proximity of another human body. He put his head on the Japanese man's shoulder and breathed in deep breaths as he tried to understand what had just changed.

He wasn't objective, and he knew he'd never be that way again. But he still saw everything, could still report everything with no bias. That hadn't changed, and it never would. He could still be a Bookman. Caring didn't change that. The Bookmen had gotten it wrong. He needed someone to love, needed someone there so that he could be human. Because being a Bookman didn't make him human. Stripping away emotions essentially destroyed all humanity in a person. He didn't want that.

He had to say it out loud. "I'm human," he said quietly. Kanda didn't respond except to pull him a little bit closer. "I'm human," Lavi repeated, just a little bit louder. "I'm human," he said a third time, louder still. He kept repeating it like a stupid, loud mantra, and it made him feel alive.

"I'm not," the Japanese man said in a hushed tone.

Lavi's mouth clamped shut.

"What do you mean? Of course you're human," he said disbelieveingly.

"You didn't read my file?"

"Yes, I read your file, it had everything up to when you joined the Order. All neat and clean and boring. The only remotely suspicious thing was that there was no record of family, but that isn't too uncommon. What do you mean?"

"That's because I have no family. I never did. The first time I had ever been to Japan was when we went to Edo to stop the Earl. You remember the Second Exorcists?"

"Yeah, all the records say none of the experiments survived."

"I survived." Kanda's voice was haunted, his eyes far away as if he was remembering something best left forgotten.

"But why does that make you not human?"

"I was created, I wasn't born. My only memory from before the age of ten was the small corridor in the Asian Branch where they tested us all. I was the only one to survive because Mugen chose me. When it saw I was dying, it decided that I should survive and made me live."

"You have human DNA--you can feel. It doesn't matter how or where or under what circumstances you were born. You're still human, even if they treated you as less," Lavi pointed out, closing his eye and rubbing tiny circles on Kanda's back, because that's what Lenalee had done for him once, and he knew he'd felt comforted by the action.

The first rays of the sun hit the coals of the fire--when had it gone out?--by the time that Lavi finally pried an eye open. Kanda had stayed in his arms for an undisclosed amount of time, and the redhead rather thought the other man had relished the touch as much as he had. It felt good, he decided, to be so close to another person.

"Let's talk about this another time, Yuu-chan," Lavi whispered, pulling back. "It's time to go. I'll find the quickest way for us to get back; it shouldn't take more than a few hours. Grab the pelt, though. We can sell it for a good amount of money."

The Japanese man nodded and stood so that he could kick out the dying embers of the fire. Lavi quickly packed up their tent and the other supplies that had somehow found their way out of the packs the two of them usually carried with them. While he packed, giving the tent a rueful smile, he slowly removed his forty-ninth persona from the shelf at the back of his mind, unfolded it, and placed it overtop of his true personality. He would always poke through just a little bit, but he could always tell anyone who would listen that he'd been thoroughly traumatized by a bear attack and had come to have a new outlook on life. Only Bookman would see through it, and Lavi could shrug off those questions. What kind of apprentice would he be if he couldn't even lie convincingly to his Master?

He felt Kanda's hand slide into his briefly, and he felt the soft touch of fabric replace it a moment later. Looking down, he saw his eye patch, long forgotten on the roots of the oak tree. He silently placed it back over his ruined eye, for once secure in the knowledge that one person did not find him repulsive.

They walked back, taking the quickest route, as Lavi had promised. The redhead chattered the whole way back, and Kanda soon fell back into the easy banter that always seemed to come between them. At one point, he started picking at the stitches in his arm, but Lavi placed his hand over the dark-haired man's and quipped, "just gives me a reason to stop by your room, dunnit?"

And indeed, a day later, when they'd finally returned to Headquarters, Lavi found himself knocking on Kanda's door. He wouldn't usually knock, but he planned on taking his persona off again in a moment anyway. The entire act screamed ' _forbidden_ ,' but the tiny voices in his head told him it would be alright, that he should trust his fragile heart. So he knocked anyway.

And Kanda answered.


End file.
